Who’s Driving This Thing?

How Our Paradigms Quietly Run the Show (and What to Do About It)

This is Part 2 of a two-part series on paradigms.

In Part 1, I wrote about how outdated medical models—like the idea that humans are just machines with broken parts—still dominate modern healthcare, and why it’s time for a paradigm shift.

🔗 Read Part 1: “A Pill for an Ill Is Over the Hill”

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TL;DR:
Most of us live inside invisible operating systems—beliefs and assumptions passed down like hand-me-down sweaters. They shape how we parent, vote, eat, sleep, argue, and even love. We call them “normal,” but they’re really just outdated frameworks. Isn’t it time to question who’s behind the wheel?

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We Don’t Just Inherit Genes—We Inherit Scripts

From the moment we arrive in the world, we’re handed a script.

“Boys don’t cry.”
“Girls are sugar and spice.”
“Finish your plate.”
“Respect your elders.”
“Democrats care about people. Republicans care about money.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“Trust the doctor. He knows best.”

These aren’t truths. They’re templates. Cultural default settings passed down by people who loved us—or simply didn’t know better.

And we rarely stop to ask: Are they still true? Do they even apply to me? Or are they just legacies of someone else’s worldview—duct-taped onto our own?

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Paradigms Are Like Old Operating Systems

Think of paradigms like the OS running your phone. They work quietly in the background, deciding what’s allowed, what’s an error, and what gets ignored.

But after a while, you start noticing the glitches.

Apps crash. Buttons don’t respond. You’re stuck with weird pop-ups (“Because I said so!”) or outdated rules (“Children should be seen and not heard.”)

At some point, the problem isn’t the app. It’s the system.

And if we never update it, we just keep troubleshooting the wrong thing.

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Parenting Paradigms: What Would Grandma Do?

Take parenting.

Many of us are still raising our kids using 1950s software patched with 1980s anxiety and a 2020s screen-time update. The result? Total confusion.

“Let them cry it out.”
“Don’t spoil them.”
“Be strict. But also gentle. But also firm. But also fun.”

We walk around with two contradictory paradigms loaded at once:

• Children are fragile flowers to be protected from all discomfort.

• Children are wild beasts who must be controlled before they destroy the couch.

The truth? Kids are just small humans trying to survive in an overwhelming world—and most of us are parenting based on what we absorbed, not what we’ve questioned.

So instead of asking, What does my child need right now?, we default to, What would my parents have done?

(And let’s be honest: they would’ve said, “Go outside and don’t come back until dinner.”)

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Politics: Paradigms Wearing Mascots

Politics isn’t just about policy—it’s about loyalty.

Once we pick a side, we tend to inherit the entire playbook, whether or not it aligns with our actual values.

We say things like:
“I’m fiscally conservative but socially liberal.” (Translation: I’ve noticed the playbook doesn’t add up, but I’m afraid to write a new one.)
“I vote blue no matter who.” (Translation: I trust my side’s flaws more than the other side’s truths.)

We become less curious. More tribal. Less engaged with nuance. More reactive to headlines.

Paradigms don’t care about truth. They care about comfort.
So we stay inside them—even when they stop serving us.

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Love, Marriage, and Other Scripts We Didn’t Know We Were Following

Another deeply embedded paradigm? What love is supposed to look like.

Most of us were raised to believe relationships come in tidy duos. That marriage is between one man and one woman. That there are two genders, two roles, one forever.

But what if that model isn’t biological—it’s bureaucratic?

Today, more people are asking:

• Does love always come in pairs?

• Does commitment have to mean exclusivity?

• Can sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum, not a checklist?

We’re seeing that reflected in:

♦ The rise of queer, polyamorous, and fluid relationship structures
♦ Conversations about the social construct of “virginity”
♦ Growing awareness that gender and sexuality aren’t binary, but layered and evolving

This isn’t rebellion. It’s reflection. A realignment with what’s real for many—beyond what was inherited.

And the discomfort people sometimes feel watching these changes isn’t necessarily bigotry. It’s just what happens when a familiar script starts rewriting itself in real time.

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Diets, Dating, and Doing the Dishes

Paradigms don’t just shape politics and parenting. They’re baked into how we live day to day.

• Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. (Says who? Kellogg’s?)
⁃ You should marry someone with similar values. (But what if your values evolve?)
¦ To be a good partner, split chores 50/50. (What if one partner handles the emotional labor?)
‣ Body odor is embarrassing. (Even though it’s biologically normal—maybe even adaptive.)
– Crying at work is unprofessional. (But emotional suppression isn’t?)
• You must be productive to be valuable. (What if stillness has worth, too?)
‣ You must retire at 65. (Even if you’re not ready—or already done.)

We internalize these like gospel.
And when they stop fitting, we assume the problem is us.

But maybe the script was wrong all along.

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Creativity Doesn’t Live on a Clock

There’s another paradigm we don’t talk about enough: the belief that doing is always better than being.

But creativity doesn’t respond to pressure. It withers under constant output. And it doesn’t clock in on demand. One of my favorite reminders: Creativity doesn’t punch a timecard. It needs boredom, daydreaming, and the quiet space where nothing is happening—yet.

We tell ourselves we need to be “productive,” but some of the most essential breakthroughs—in art, writing, science, even relationships—come when we do nothing at all.

Kids need boredom before their imaginations ignite. Adults do, too. We need unstructured time. Open-ended days. Space to think thoughts that don’t have to turn into tasks.

But our paradigm says rest is lazy. Idleness is dangerous. We’ve confused stimulation with meaning. And in doing so, we’ve lost one of the deepest sources of human creativity: empty time.

If your best ideas arrive in the shower, on a walk, or staring out a window—that’s not failure. That’s proof that stillness is a source.

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Why Paradigms Stick (Even When They Don’t Work)

Paradigms survive for one reason: they feel safe.

They provide belonging. Structure. Answers.
And for most of us, that feels better than uncertainty—even if the paradigm is outdated or unhelpful.

But when you try to change the script, it’s jarring.

Your mom gives you side-eye. Your coworkers raise eyebrows. Your old friends say, “You’ve changed.”

(Which, let’s be honest, should be a compliment.)

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The Problem Isn’t Having Paradigms—It’s Never Examining Them

Paradigms aren’t inherently bad. They’re mental shortcuts.
But left unchecked, they start to run the show.

They turn from tools into cages.

And the trouble isn’t that we follow scripts. It’s that we forget we can edit them.

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So How Do You Start Thinking for Yourself Again?

Here’s one way to begin:

1. Notice the rule.
When you catch yourself thinking, “That’s just how it is,” pause. Ask: Says who?

2. Trace the origin.
Was this belief something you chose—or something handed to you? Culture? Religion? Trauma? Twitter?

3. Try the opposite.
If you think success means more money, try valuing peace.
If you think parenting means control, try curiosity.
If you think productivity = worth, try doing less—and see who you are when you stop performing.

Sometimes you’ll snap back to the old way. That’s okay.
Awareness is already the upgrade.

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What If You’re Not Broken—Just Misprogrammed?

We spend so much of our lives trying to “fix” ourselves.

• Be more productive.

• Be more patient.

• Be less anxious.

• Be a better partner. A better parent. A better human.

But what if the problem isn’t you?

What if you’re trying to thrive in a system that was never built for how you actually work?

What if you're not malfunctioning—
but just running outdated code?

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Final Thought: Still Think You’re Thinking for Yourself?

Pause and ask:

— Why is body odor considered offensive… but artificial fragrance is “professional”?
— Why do we assume work should happen 9 to 5—even when our brains or bodies protest?
— Why do we eat three meals a day—because we’re hungry, or because the clock says so?
— Why is crying in public seen as weakness… but emotional suppression is praised as “composure”?
— Why is busyness still mistaken for purpose?
— Why does “retire at 65” sound like destiny instead of a pension formula?

These aren’t universal truths. They’re paradigms.

And once you spot them…
you can stop following them.

You don’t have to burn it all down.
But you do get to pick up the pen.

Below the Paywall: Invisible Scripts We’re Still Living By

Not all traditions are timeless. Some are just expired.

Below: a candid list of some other everyday paradigms—about success, sex, gender, work, worth, and more—that still shape how we live, even when we outgrow them.